Disclaimer: Before I launch into this angsty rant, I want to make clear I am in no way intending to imply that I, as a neurodiverse individual who finds it harder to enjoy many forms of socializing, am therefor somehow superior to the normies who are easier to please. Such pretense belongs on Tumblr, at least in the sense that feces belong in a sewer, so other places don't have to deal with it. I have talents some people don't, and can tell you a lot about certain niche topics, and I think those, too, are likely tied to my having Asperger's Syndrome, but I came here to blog about the problems, today--and that is what I'll limit this to; I'm not going to act like I necessarily know the solution and others should conform.
Shortly after joining GamerGate in November, 2014, I made a video proclaiming that it could be the best thing that ever happened it to autistic people. Not only did the backlash against people like Leigh Alexander and Sam Biddle represent one of the first times socially awkward people struck back at those who shamed them for their unique mannerisms and interests, but GamerGate went on to establish a series of friendships based upon mutual interests rather than aimless mingling; a must for autistic people who despise small-talk and the like. However, although I stand by those points, it's become obvious that even falling in with GamerGate hasn't solved all of the problems related to autism.
Since making that video, I've been to three meet-ups. The first was in San Jose, the second was at Huntington Beach, and the third, a week ago today (that means it was on January 9, 2016), was in San Francisco. At all times, I reaffirmed that GamerGate is a lovely bunch who have been intolerably smeared to the point I think we need to update libel and slander laws to prevent guilting individuals by association, but I have also reaffirmed something about myself--I simply don't do well in crowded, noisy places. The San Jose meetup took place primarily at a crowded, noisy bar, where I struggled to follow dialogue. The Huntington Beach meetup took place primarily (surprise) at the beach, which I liked much better because it was easy to follow dialogue. Sadly, the San Francisco meetup once again took place primarily at a crowded, noisy bar, where once again, that prevented me from following dialogue.
Which is actually quite tragic in these sorts of situations. A lot of the sorts of conversations that go on while people sit around a table drinking, I couldn't care less about not hearing, because standard socialization and small-talk bore me; the way they bore many autistic people. (Or in some extreme cases, even unnerve them.) The sort of things GamerGate members talk about, even in bars and under the influence, is frequently very interesting to me, but unfortunately, presumably because I'm autistic, oftentimes I simply can't perceive nearly enough of what they're saying over the racket of the other patrons chattering and the music blasting--and I presume this to be an autistic thing because if non-autistic people had the same problems understanding nearby speakers in noisy venues, they probably wouldn't be choosing such venues to have their important discussions.
The saddest moment for me during the San Francisco meetup was the end of it; for me a downer ending. While the bar talk was hard to follow, and far from ideal, I still got some useful conversation from it; unfortunately, it ran literally to midnight. At that point, the group decided they wanted to go over to someone's apartment and actually play video games, or at least talk in a place where it wouldn't be hard to understand. Most of the people went. Sadly, I felt I just couldn't. I was already exhausted, I don't have the strongest stomach, and that night I had already had three beers; my maximum. To stay up several hours longer, I would probably need to down some coffee on top of that; a risk to my gut I wasn't willing to take. Therefor I made the difficult decision that midnight to walk back to my hotel and go to bed and especially upon reading the tweets of all the amusing things that happened after the group went off to spend more time at the apartment, I've been regretting it ever since.
I'm not just sad things turned out like that; even against my better judgment, I've gotten mad. I don't know if I'm madder at myself or at other people, and I don't know which is worse; much as it isn't clear where the line is between self-esteem and arrogance--if that line even objectively exists at all. An unpleasant part of growing up as an autistic boy in America is that the "Majority Rules" axiom; which I and everyone else was taught to venerate, has been an almost constant detriment to my social life. That has remained true even throughout many events, even as I intellectually supported the principle, and it remains true now in GamerGate; even as it becomes increasingly clear that we're part of a much-needed greater American cultural renaissance that gets the world reacquainted with the wisdom of classical liberal principles that have come under attack since the New Left that formed in the 1960s has come to dominate discourse. (Look for a more extended blog on that one, coming soon.)
Hence I don't begrudge the masses for enjoying noisy bars or other standard social venues, and enthusiastically salute GamerGate for insisting that cultural scenarios and artifacts ought to focus on pleasing their legions of aficionados rather than condescending to noisy negativists invading the space with their nitpickty alien values; I guess it's just that I also supposed GamerGate, rallying as it does around a niche (but increasingly less-niche) hobby would also center its meetups more around that hobby. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed this hasn't been the case for the ones I've been to, and I would have strongly preferred the San Francisco meetup spent more time in the apartment playing games and did that part earlier, but again, I'm only here to get my opinion off my chest; not argue for its relative merit.
Even so, while I'd never presume myself in a position to demand a change to such events, I'm not sure I can go to them anymore. I continue to support GamerGate and the broader Cultural Libertarian movement, but I don't think my best course for doing so consists of standardized nights on the town. These trips are not cheap, although some in the future may be depending on where the events are held, and I simply feel I get a lot more out of the group when I'm playing games online with them and communicating via the microphone, which I can do from home. I'd love to do more, to meet people and do things alongside them that could not be done from home, and maybe some day, I may even meet Mrs. Right in GamerGate--a long shot for most people, but in my case I think it isn't much less likely I'd meet a woman anywhere else--but from here on, I think I will have to weigh the pros and cons more carefully.
