I may have shared this before, but back in 2008, when I first entered a university, I declared Politics as my intended major. Alas, people kept telling me the only things I could really do with politics were become a lawyer or run for office. Becoming a lawyer violated my personal code of ethics, and as to running for office, back in those days, I felt I didn't have the proper charisma to get support.
You're probably thinking a joke about Donald Trump is coming next, and I've certainly remarked on that, but it turns out the Troll-in-Chief is just the tip of a new oncoming iceberg of...unique personalities entering candidates. The Official Voter Information Guide yielded such ample gems that I am now quite certain I could at least get my own into it next election! Meanwhile, join in the fun as I spotlight the comedy gold in this booklet I'm not throwing out anytime soon!
Click on the link to read more! Just as soon as you can figure out how to click on a link printed on paper, that is! (Also, I'm wondering if this is just Danny Devito in a wig.)
It's always a little tragic when someone with such an incredibly awesome name puts out such a vacuous, generic statement. Also note that subject-verb-number disagreement in the paragraph's third line. Microsoft Word's ongoing inability to recognize prepositional phrases has caused glaring damage to people's own abilities to recognize them. You are ruining us, big software industry! Vote Thomas Fairfield, and together, we can make grammar great again!
I guess when your last name is "Laws", you needn't bother with any effort at all in your publicity statement. For all we know, we could be voting for a computer programmed to suggest political buzzwords.
A certain segment of voters will be wondering when God's Heart became an electable position. As to myself, I'm just wondering about those 10 giant chaos in economy. When I first read that I kept
almost picturing Ling Ling Shi charging upon bloated, villainous, business-suit-wearing versions of
those things in Sonic Adventure, but it's a bit difficult when I don't even know if Ling Ling is a man or woman. I'd better check, or else somehow my first mental image is somehow a panda in a chef's uniform.
Oh Massie, you're crazy! Everyone knows it's the
water that they use for mind-control!
Fight the power! In other words, fight anyone whom some wild yahoo screams loud enough about being dangerous! If you actually visit that link, you'll see Massie Munroe has some real competition for the Cloud Cuckooland Voter District. Also, you'll probably be rolling your eyes.
Are you running for Senator or
cheerleader?!
Um,
what?! Did you think a
computer was going to be reading this?! Well, maybe they gave computers the right to vote when I wasn't looking. Carry on Jason.
I want to applaud Mike Beitiks for his courageous struggle to reclaim double-negatives from trendy ungrammatical use and reintegrate them into their correct context to mean something positive, but I can't help mentioning that "not nothing" still doesn't imply
a lot. It's a little bit like me running with the pledge: "I could care less about fighting terrorism and creating jobs. For example, I could care about them not at all, but lucky for you I care about them more! For more information, visit www.thomasfairfieldcouldcareless.net."
Speaking of grammar, I think you could use a comma there between "tax" and "which", Mr. Kraus. See, right now it sounds a bit like if you can figure out any tax policies that create jobs, you're going to attack those policies in particular. I'm not all that big on state employment programs, but come on, think of the people!
That just about wraps up our tour of the hysterical world of California politics, so head out to the poll and vote today! But as you enter the booth, always remember the old saying: "00101000111101111!"
